Learning to listen is harder than you think.

One of Runner’s World’s rave runs. I want to run here!

I have a long history of treating my body like an enemy.  For the majority of my life I have ignored what it wanted, pushed it beyond what it was capable of.  I have taken on more than I ever could or should have, and forced myself through it with will power and determination.  I was raised this way.  I think everyone’s parents do the best job they can, and they all make mistakes.  One major one for mine was always pushing me to excel in everything and punishing me for failure.

I took this message into adulthood.  I’ve had times in my life where I worked full time, gone to school full time, and done an internship simultaneously.  My first year of doctorate school I worked full time and took five classes.  The only time I feel like its okay to take a break or give up some responsibilities is when I’m sick.  Hence, I get sick more often as a way to give myself a break without guilt.

Over the past year I have steadily improved at taking care of myself.  I cut back my hours at work, I took less classes at school.  I took days off when I needed them, and I took six weeks off from work and school this summer to relax and recuperate from a hard year.  Old lessons don’t just vanish, though.  You don’t just realize you have to change and then it happens.  You have to learn to be different, and it takes time.

I felt tired and kind of blah this week.  I didn’t know if I was tired, sick, or just being lazy.  Monday’s run was postponed until Tuesday.  Wednesday I just couldn’t seem to get up the energy to even shower.  Should I run anyway?  If I go out and run and I don’t feel like finishing it I can always come back.  Learning to listen to my body’s signals is like learning a new language.  We haven’t been on speaking terms in years.

I was tortured by what to do.  I felt guilty over not running, but it isn’t like me to have such a hard time even getting dressed to go.  Wednesday’s and Thursday’s run didn’t happen to the delight of my body and the chagrin of my mind.  And then yesterday my boyfriend came home from work and said he wasn’t feeling well.  He never gets sick, so I knew then I must have had a touch of something.  This time I heard correctly.

This morning I was up at 4am to eat breakfast, and I was out the door around 5 for my long run.  I put in 8 miles this morning, ran through all my intervals, and had a 10k PR: All an improvement over last week’s long run.  I hear a lot of people say, “Push through,” but pushing through has never been my issue.  For me, “Ease up, it’ll be okay,” may be a better mantra for me to learn.